Dating Den Episode 194 – With Chris Gillis & Doctor Emily: Is Your Fantasy Love Story Interfering with Your Real-Life Relationship?
Marni, Man Panelist Chris Gillis, and special guest Dr. Emily discuss what happened in week four of The Bachelorette, including how Claire went from single to engaged to Dale at breakneck speed. What kind of relationship will they have and what should the other guys think about it?
Key takeaways from this episode:
- How self-esteem issues can show up as overcompensation.
- When hormones take center stage
- Why you should let your date express his values
- Why moving fast with a high-quality guy is a bad idea
Is Claire Stuck in Fantasy Land When it Comes to Dating? [1:59]
It took Claire all of five seconds to make herself believe that Dale is THE one. However, she may be wrapped up in the ‘knight in shining armor syndrome’. Because of our upbringing or childhood fairy tales, it’s easy for some of us to launch into our dates thinking that a guy is supposed to sweep us off of our feet.
Therapist Emily says that as teenagers we have physiological, biological, and emotional drivers that we don’t know how to handle because the executive part of our brain isn’t fully formed. The team says that Claire may have been experiencing ‘skin hunger’ and it may have escalated and triggered her immediate physical attraction to Dale.
Chris offers that Claire may be stuck in arrested development. She is relying on the idea of what she thinks love should be.
Studies show that when we search for a connection we can find connection with anybody, even a person we despise.
Why Moving Fast is a Bad Idea with a High-Quality Guy [11:58]
Moving too fast with a guy can sabotage what may have been a real relationship. It’s a giant scary red flag. A high-quality guy will feel like the relationship is manufactured and he is being pushed and rushed.
Emily points out that it is important to discern between the statement “I’m falling in love” and “I am in love”. In Claire’s case, she leads the witness over and over again. Marni wonders if Dale is considering his contract and his Instagram followers more than a long-term relationship at this stage.
Remember, women speak in 21,000 words a day and men only speak in 7000. It’s a good idea to give your date a chance to tell you about themselves. Pay attention to the excessive amount of words Claire used in her ‘I love you’ speech.
The Guys Will Need to Be Resilient [27:27]
Marni poses the question, if you have a crush, obsession, or unrequited love is it possible and be open to dating someone else?
Chris says it would be hard to pivot from one person to another after you just opened up and expressed your desires to someone else. He says guys generally close up and need time before getting back in the game.
So, how can we show up as our best selves after someone rejects us? Marni points out that there is a lot we can learn from rejection, but the most important thing to remember is that it’s not personal.
Chris says if someone rejects us we should be open to their honest feedback as we can learn a lot from it. It gives us the unique opportunity to decide what to take from it and let the rest go.
If you are attracted to someone and they don’t reciprocate don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t give it meaning.
Dating Advice from this Episode:
- Be clear about what you are looking for in a partner.
- Talk about your values during a date.
- Be present in what is happening not what happened in the past & not what may be in the future.
- Show up with an open heart and curiosity.
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