Dating Den Episode 9 ā With Susan Stiffelman: What to Say to Your Kids About Dating and Blending Families During the Holidays
Say thereās a great new guy in your life and you think he can become part of your familyā¦
Heās met your kids and it went wellā¦ or well enoughā¦
You have given it time, and you think now itās time to start to blend your two worldsā¦
In your happy place, you allow yourself to thinkā¦ Wouldnāt it be great IF the two most important parts of your life could come togetherā¦
What happens when (and I mean when) your kids resistā¦ how should you handle it?
Is it ever okay to bargain with your childā¦ like, just do this one thing for me and you can, get that really short skirt you wantā¦ or play video games at the dinner table? (the answer will surprise you)
Should you, the parent, ever have to compromise with your childā¦ or is it my way or the highway?
What if you donāt have your own kids butā¦ that great guy you met has kidsā¦?
How do you make sure your relationship survives the āblendingāā¦ and how can you be a great partner in that situation?
Get all of these questions answered on todayās podcast, as I explore dating and blending families during the holidays with the super smart and amazing Susan Stiffelman. Susan is a marriage and family therapist, a credentialed speaker, and a licensed psychotherapist. She is the Huffington Postās Parent Coach and has devoted 30 years to working with families to create greater harmony and deeper connections between parents and their children.
Be the Captain of the Ship [2:51]
Susan says the most important thing for a single parent to do is to set boundaries in their relationship so the child does not become a partner or a companion.
Single parenting can take the form of a Captain, Lawyer or Dictator.
The Captain ā The steady, sturdy person in charge. The child feels heard, understood and comforted especially when there is upheaval in their life.
The Lawyer ā The negotiator who allows the child to believe there is no one in charge.
The Dictator ā The authoritarian who deals in fear and intimidation.
So when your child says āI donāt know why you have to go on that dateā or āI donāt like that guy youāve been dating, Heās such a loserā, know that they are in feeling mode. They are masking what they are feeling in words that may have nothing to do with what they truly feel.
When a child is upset donāt engage them. Frustrated children become aggressive or they adapt. Help the child to feel their sadness by listening to them.
Is it OK to Bargain or Compromise? [21:55]
When parents are longing for companionship and starting to date it can prompt compromises in parenting. When responding to a child with a compromise or an uncomfortable fix you are undermining the development of resilience. It is basically telling the child you donāt have faith in their capacity to cope with this.
You canāt be afraid of your children. Kids need you to be solid and sturdy.
What if Your Ex Spends an Insane Amount of Money on Your Kid? [28:01]
The stories we tell ourselves is what derails most single parents. Kids are looking for a simple way to be with mom and dad. We know what nurtures kids and feeds them at the soul level are small demonstrations of affection, not money and gifts. A real connective moment with a child may be what they remember above all else.
Wealthy kids arenāt any happier than kids whose parents earn a baseline revenue.
How to Be a Great Partner to a Parent During the Holidays [32:25]
Realize the holidays are not an easy time for kids. Itās just a matter of adjusting your expectations. Kids should come first.
Donāt ask a man to choose between you and his children and donāt make them feel guilty. It announces you as inflexible and not so good partner for the long term. But, also donāt be a doormat or let it be ok if he breaks every date!
Tips for Blended Families [38:14]
- Go slowly when establishing relationships with stepchildren.
- Donāt force yourself on your stepkids and donāt need them to like you.
- Stepparents should view themselves as a caring uncle or aunt instead of another parent.
- Biological parents should always do the disciplining.
- Let the child know you like to be around them.
- Donāt force yourself on your stepkids and donāt need them to like you.
- Understand the nasty comments they make are not personal.
- Cut the kids some slack.
Children do best when parents are living a balanced and full life!
